My first Mother’s Day

I’m not sure how to feel. I don’t expect anything (card or gift “from” Penny) because J doesn’t do things like that. I don’t even know if he’d get me something from him. But my lack of feelings doesn’t come from gifts or cards…it’s from my experience as a mother so far. I don’t feel like the last 8+ months are to be celebrated. I spent the first two months of Penny’s life in a constant state of anxiety, resenting the fact that her birth brought about so many chages I wasn’t prepared for. The third month I began contemplating suicide. The fourth and fifth months were spent trying to claw my way out of the worst depression and anxiety of my life. It’s only been in the last couple months that I actually feel a bond with Penny. I finally feel that unconditional love that I thought would be automatic. Thinking about my first mother’s day brings on a strange wave of anxiety: I barely feel like a mother so why should I be celebrated as one? 

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